A tidel wave

A common sight at year end would be parties, festive celebrations and upbeat songs playing through the soundwaves everywhere in the world. It is not common to have your head spinning with deliverables and worries on the impending year ahead. That was my year end; Filled with bitter truths and even bitter tears.

Too many were suddenly thrown onto my plate that I am still trying to pick up the scraps of the table and placing them back onto the plate. I have yet to even deal with the mess on the plate itself. The scraps are slowly clearing up and soon I have to deal with the colourful mess. I am absolutely appaled at the situation I've put myself into. I know i have to do something about it and I will. Just not now. I am still deciding what to do with 2015. So forgive me for the lack of posts. I am trying to start 2015 right. So here I am, with a

short post. Hopefully, it will crank up these rusty gears in my head.

With time I'll learn

A cup of coffee to soothe the soul and mind

And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him –Al Talaq (65:3)

I’ve not been the best of health lately and getting irritated seemed to be even easier than before. Things being pushed back and running late are one of my most pet-peeve. The better half calls me ‘Kan-chiong Spider’ and I am in no position to deny that.

Control is something I adore and seek. Every single day is planned out to the utmost precision for me to foresee and expect turns and setbacks. I cannot handle setbacks well especially when it is due to my own mistakes or incapability. As I get older, I learnt the hard way that things may not go the way you hope for. I used to cry each time things does not fall the way I want it to be. I will sulk for days before I console myself. I used to question why it was not granted the way I want it to.

With age I realized that HE has his reasons why. I may not see it now, but in time, I’ll know why. I realized that HE may not be putting just me through the trial but also the people closest to me. I must learn to let go of control. I must learn to let fate runs its course. I must have faith in HIM that he knows what is best.

With my health not at its best and anxious news kept on coming in, my anxiety spilled over and I, regrettably, pour it out. Anxiety is not the best of feelings to show others during their most dire need of calmness. Anxiety makes me tremble and cry. Every day is a lesson and opportunity to learn to handle anxiety. I am still learning.

With each new day, I am to strengthen my faith to let go of disappointments and uncertainty.

1-10, I am left with 2

Looking at the calendar, I’ve come to realize that there is only 2 months left to the year.

What have I done in the past 10 months? I am always tired lately. I am unmotivated since the 2nd half of the year started. I have not complete decorating my space in the shared bedroom even though it has already been close to 2 years that we’ve moved. I still have unopened boxes under my bed. I have not painted my bed. I have not bought the skeleton of my open-concept wardrobe. I do not have $3000 in my bank. I did not travel to 2 other countries as planned. I have not purged my wardrobe. I have not decided how long more I am staying at my current work. I have not completed my tasks at work. I have not bake for 2 months now. I think we all get the picture that I have truly been a massive slob. I’ve come across a quote from Zig Ziglar, an American motivation speaker, which hits home.

“Motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing. It is something you should do on a regular basis”

How true. I’ve been sitting on my bum, expecting for my surroundings to inspire and motivate me but I failed to see that it is I who needs to motivate myself. Looking back, there are a lot of things I’ve set out to do this year. Sadly I’ve only done not even half of the list. It is apparent enough that the better half of mine noticed. Maybe it is too late in the year to start achieving what I’ve set out but it is not too late to get back on track to be a better me. It is still too early to say if I’ve truly turned over a new leaf but what I can say is that I am still trying. CrispsClouds is a testament to the effort. I used to write while I was in school and looking at my old blogs (I’ve since deleted them); I cringed at the frivolous articles I wrote. I’ve grown up quite well I must say. Throughout the year, the inspiration to write started to come wherever I was. Be it on the train, at work, having dinner with the better half, out with friends; everywhere. I never had an outlet to write what was weaving through my head as either I do not have my book with me or I am busy with tasks on hand. CrispsClouds came to me while I was at work, approving the orders that came. I logged into my Gmail account and saved this URL before planning out on how this baby will look like.

Technology has made it much easier to share our thoughts. Now, you can share everything with a touch of a button. I love the smell of physical books. I love to write things down rather than typing. I should start embracing the advancement of technology. Hello Mr Laptop! I have this laptop for 3 years now and I can safely say that I use it at most twice a month. Yup, it is a terrible waste of my hard-earned money. Or maybe I should just trade it in and get a Macbook. I don’t own any Apple product (not even an Ipod. I am not getting an Iphone. Just not) but I am itching to try. Let just wait and see where this search for technology goes.

My calendar is filled with scribbles,circles and highlights. I wish I do know what some of the highlights mean though (scatterbrain sometimes). I hope I remember them before the dates come.

Mistakes? A plenty. Regrets? None

“If someone were to ask do I regret anything, I would say only 1”

Question marks appeared in my head. No, not I am not curious of what the person regrets but more of after all he has been through, he still only regrets 1 decision. How is it possible? I, on the other hand, regrettably have a few questionable traits and made a few terrible decisions through these 23 years of my existence. Only recently, I found the answer to my question; Perspective.

You live the life you choose. It is your choices (or lack of) that moulds you into who you are today. Your decisions, your actions brought upon the consequences you are living through now. Good or bad, it all stemmed from your initial choice. I come to realize that regretting your decision is a strong declaration to make. Mistakes are inevitable as humans. Mistakes are common, learning from mistakes is expected but regretting the mistake made is entirely our own decision.

I made plenty of mistakes throughout the 23 years I've lived. Some are minor, some are terrible. I used to say I regret not doing this or that. I used to say I regret not continuing with school after college but as I thought it through, I realized that I should not be regretting anything.

It was a decision I made to realize my sister’s dream before mine. It was a decision I made to reduce the expenses for the family. My sister has graduated and now about to start her dream job. My parents do not worry about my welfare as much. I learnt that things may not go the way I plan it to but things will always be better than expected. I learnt that not everyone is as lucky as I am. I learnt that not everyone has an uneventful childhood like I did. Most importantly I learnt that everyone has their own battle to get through. All these I would not have learnt through school. I learnt through observations of my own to my surroundings at work and through social meetings.

I do not regret losing friends along the way as I am able to see sincerity in those that stayed.
I do not regret loving those from my past as it taught me how I should better myself for my final one.
I do not regret trusting the wrong friends as it taught me that trust should be treated with utmost respect.
I do not regret my rebellious years as it showed me fear and the flip side of the community I thought I knew.
I do regret, however, not saying ‘I love you’ enough. No matter how many times I say it, it is never truly the exact representation of how much love I feel for the other. It took a death in the family for me to realize how inexpressive I can be towards the one I love. To this day, I kept on replaying the last moments I had with my darling cousin in my head.

Maybe the title of this post should be changed. Mistakes? A plenty. Regrets? One (so far)

*Hey you. I hope you’re doing better up there. I know you’re looking over our big family. I know you’re strumming that Gibson guitar. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for waiting to say goodbye. Thank you for the smiles, laughter and memories you've etched in our hearts. Family wishes you’re well up there and we’ll see you when the time comes. We will always love you. Family unites for you. After all, Nothing Else Matters.*